


cause sehun's totally the smartest

by jjaeni



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Chatlogs, Chatting & Messaging, Crack, M/M, READ LATEST UPDATE, Texting, chatfic, excessive use of emoticons, im sorry, kill me, literally just a huge meme, pls dont take this seriously, sehun is annoying, suho is suffering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-25
Updated: 2018-01-06
Packaged: 2018-09-26 22:08:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 7,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9924113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jjaeni/pseuds/jjaeni
Summary: sehun makes an group chat with all the members of exo.secrets are revealed. tea is spilled. chanyeol flips out. kyungsoo complains. poor suho.





	1. the birth of the exo group chat

**Author's Note:**

> uh this is my first attempt at writing anything really so it is Not Very Good™ and everyone is kinda out of character but eh here we go
> 
>  
> 
>  - rated teen+ for language just to be safe
> 
>  
> 
> (somewhat inspired by the many, many chatfics ive read)

_Monday, February 20_

_11:18 PM_

 

 **_ur favorite maknae_ ** _created a group chat with_ **_beaglehyun_ ** _,_ **_chenosaur_ ** _,_ **_kim junmyeon_ ** _,_ **_kyungsoup_ ** _,_ **_minseok ❀_ ** _,_ **_yixing_ ** _,_ **_chanyeol!!!!_ ** _, and_ **_nini_ **

 

 **beaglehyun** : HI

 

 **_kyungsoup_ ** _has left the chat._

 

 **beaglehyun:** soooooo come backk (´Ａ｀)

 

 **chanyeol!!!!** : AWWW SOOOO

 

 **_ur favorite maknae_ ** _added_ **_kyungsoup_ ** _to the chat._

 

 **kyungsoup** : fuck off sehun

 

 **kim junmyeon:** kyungsoo, watch your language.

 

 **kyungsoup** : sorry hyung

 

 **kyungsoup** : sehun suck a dick

 

 **ur favorite maknae** : maybe later

 

 **chenosaur** : lmao

 

 **kim junmyeon** : sehun, why did you make a group chat for us?

 

 **kim junmyeon** : i have nothing against it, i’m just curious.

 

 **ur favorite maknae** : for the lolz ;3

 

 **nini** : stop

 

 **ur favorite maknae** : jk jk

 

 **ur favorite maknae** : i dunno rlly

 

 **kyungsoup** : can i leave now

 

 **kim junmyeon** : no.

 

 **kyungsoup** : damn

 

 **kim junmyeon** : sehun, this is might actually be a good idea.

 

 **ur favorite maknae** : when have i ever had a bad idea (￣ω￣)

 

 **minseok ❀** : last thursday when you told us it would be ok to give chanyeol the hotel room key card

 

 **nini:** that time u said we should have a christmas party and half of us woke up in a mcdonalds parking lot on a bus full of norwegian exchange students

 

 **yixing** : when u said we werent that actually that high and convinced us to go to the mall

 

 **kim junmyeon** : that was a nightmare.

 

 **kim junmyeon** : but that’s not where i was going with that.

 

 **kim junmyeon** : having a group chat can help us bond more!

 

 **kim junmyeon** : you know, i’ve been wondering about how to work on our group unity for awhile.

 

 **kim junmyeon** : and having a group chat with all of the members looks like it’d be a great way to do it!

 

 **kim junmyeon** : nice thinking, sehun.

 

 **ur favorite maknae** : thanks i know im a genius hyung

 

 **beaglehyun** : ha cause sehuns totally the smartest

 

 **kyungsoup** : like youre one to talk baekhyun

 

 **chenosaur** : the man the myth the living savage do kyungsoo

 

 **kyungsoup** : shut the fuck up chen

 

 **chenosaur** : make me

 

 **minseok ❀** : gross

 

 **kim junmyeon** : kids, please.

 

 **kim junmyeon** : as i was saying, let’s try using the group chat and see what happens!

 

 **kyungsoup** : and youre sure i cant leave

 

 **kim junmyeon** : positive, kyungsoo.


	2. chanyeol flips out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> exactly what the title says.

_ Wednesday, February 22 _

_ 3:26 AM _

 

**chanyeol!!!!** : GUYS

 

**chanyeol!!!!** : WE HAVE A BIT OF A PROBLEM

 

**kim junmyeon** : it’s three in the morning chanyeol, what’s going on?

 

**nini** : ^^

 

**chanyeol!!!!** : OK SO

 

**chanyeol!!!!** : ME AND BAEKHYUN REALLY WANTED SOME CHOCO PIES RIGHT

 

**chanyeol!!!!** : SO WE WENT TO THE STORE TO GET SOME

 

**kyungsoup** : why tf did you need choco pies so bad you went out at 3 in the morning to get them

 

**nini** : ^^

 

**chanyeol!!!!** : THAYTS NOT THE POINT RIGJT NOW KYUNGSOP

 

**chanyeol!!!!** : SO THEN WHILE WE WERE IN THE STORE

 

**chanyeol!!!!** : THERE WAS THIS DUDE

 

**kyungsoup** : descriptive

 

**chanyeol!!!!** : SHUT PLS KYUNGSOI IM TRYISNG TO SPEAK

 

**chanyeol!!!!** : WELL  ME N BAEKHYUIN WERE IN LINR BEJINGD HIM

 

**chanyeol!!!!** : AND HE WAS ARGUING WITH THE CHECKO($UT PERSON

 

**chanyeol!!!!** : FOR LIKE FIVE YEARS

 

**chanyeol!!!!** : AND BAEKYHUN MAY HAVE MADE A REMARK ABOUTS HIM

 

**chanyeol!!!!** : THAT MIGHT HAVE INVOLVED THE WEORDS “SLOW” “ASS” AND “STALE DICK BISCUIT”

 

**yixing** : classic

 

**chanyeol!!!!** : SLIGHTLY TOO LOUED

 

**chanyeol!!!!** : ABD HE MIGNT HAVE HEARSD HIM

 

**chanyeol!!!!** : SO NOW WE”RE HIDING

 

**chanyeol!!!!** : IN THE BATHROOM OF TJE FLOWER SHOP 11 BLOCKS AWAUY

 

**chanyeol!!!!** : SMELLS LIKE A FAIRY TOOK A SHIT ON A LEPRECHAUN

 

**chanyeol!!!!** : ABD ITS OUNDS LIKE HE AND HISD FRIENSD ARE STILL OUT THEERE   
  


**chanyeol!!!!** : BUT ITS OK

 

**kim junmyeon** : how is any part of this situation remotely alright..?

 

**chanyeol!!!!** : WE STILLSD HAEV OUR CHOCO PIES

 

**kyungsoup** : did you pay for them

 

**chanyeol!!!!** : idk maybe if i wasnt busy RUNNING FROM FUKCIN GODZILLA IN THE FORM OF AN ANGRY MENTALLY CHALLENGED HUMAN WITH A MOTORCYCLE AND A HORDE OF FRIENDS THAT LOOK LIKE REPLICAS OF HIM JUST WITH DIFFERENT OBSCURE BAND T SHIRTS I MIGHT HAVE

 

**kyungsoup** : so thats a no then

 

**chanyeol!!!!** : OF COURSE THATS A NO YOU BANANA PEEL

 

**kim junmyeon** : when all this is sorted out, you’re going back to pay for those.

 

**chanyeol!!!!** : SHOULD THAST BE OUR BIGGEST CONCER N  RIGHT NOW HYUNG

 

**kim junmyeon** : stealing is never justifiable, no matter how extreme the situation.

 

**chanyeol!!!!** : thats great but WHAT DO WE DO

 

**kim junmyeon** : maybe go out and have a civilized conversation with him about what you both could have done differently in that moment.

 

**chanyeol!!!!** : HYUNG IM TOO YIUNG TO DIE

 

**kim junmyeon** : that was a perfectly valid suggestion.

 

**chanyeol!!!!** : AND I KIGHT HAVE CONSIDERED IT IF THE DUDE WAS NOT CURRENTLY OUTSIDE SCREAMINF ABOUT “HOW HARD HES GONNA DECK THE LITTLE PUNKS WHO CALLED HIM A DICK BOSCUIT ONCE HE FINDS THEM”

 

**chanyeol!!!!** : IF I DIE TELRL MY MOM I LOVED HER

 

**chanyeol!!!!** : AND KYUNGSOO IM SORRY THAT I TOOKL MONEY FROUM YOUR WALLET THAT ONE TIME

 

**kyungsoup** : bitch i was looking for that

 

**chanyeol!!!!** : IT WAS AN EMERGENCY IMS REALLKY SORRY

 

**kyungsoup** : if you survive im gonna kick your ass 

 

**chanyeol!!!!** : HOLY SHIT

 

**kim junmyeon** : what's happening now?

 

**chanyeol!!!!** : AN EMPLOYEE JUST THREATENED RO CALL THE COPS ON THEM

 

**chanyeol!!!!** : I THINK THEYRE LEAVING

 

**chanyeol!!!!** : IM ACTUSLKY CRYINF RIJHT NOW

 

**chanyeol!!!!** : IVE NEBER BEEN MORE TERRFIESK IN MY LIFE

 

**chanyeol!!!!** : I LOVE EVERYHTINF

 

**kim junmyeon** : great, now go back and pay for the choco pies.

 

**chanyeol!!!!** : HYUNG PLS WE ALMSOF JUST DIED

 

**kim junmyeon** : go back or no dinner tonight

 

**chanyeol!!!!** : WE ARE ON OUR WAY BAXK

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahsdsfjlddjfkdsf i cant believe people actually read this mess of a fic so to all of you THANK YOU I LOVE YOU


	3. don't burn your tongue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ouch that tea's hot.

_ Wednesday, February 22 _

_ 9:02 AM _

 

**minseok** **_❀_ ** : someone had a fun night 

 

**minseok** **_❀_ ** : morning actually i guess

 

**ur favorite maknae** : ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

**minseok** **_❀_ ** : shut your mouth sehun

 

**ur favorite maknae** : idk what ur talking bout hyung im typing not talking

 

**minseok** **_❀_ ** : brat

 

**nini** : but rlly why did they want those choco pies so bad??? i wanna know

 

**ur favorite maknae** : what i wanna know is why baekhyun and chanyeol were together at 3 in the morning ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

**minseok** **_❀_ ** : sto p

 

**ur favorite maknae** : im just sayin

 

**ur favorite maknae** : little unusual for ppl to be together that late 

 

**ur favorite maknae** : early whatever

 

**_minseok ❀_ ** _ has changed  _ **_ur favorite maknae_ ** _ ’s nickname to  _ **_ur least favorite maknae_ **

 

**ur least favorite maknae** : rude（；¬＿¬)

 

 ** _ur least favorite maknae_** _has changed their nickname to_ ** _sebooty_**

 

**sebooty** : i’ll have u know the fans rlly love me

 

 **minseok** **_❀_** : and how would you know that

 

**sebooty** : idk

 

**sebooty** : there are tons of fanfics with me in them that must mean something

 

**minseok** **_❀_ ** : wha

 

**sebooty** : uh

 

**sebooty** : i mean whats a fanfic

 

**sebooty** : i gotta go

 

**minseok** **_❀_ ** : GET UR WEASEL ASS BACK HERE

 

**minseok** **_❀_ ** : DID U JUST

 

**minseok** **_❀_ ** : ADMIT TO 

 

**minseok** **_❀_ ** : READING 

 

**minseok** **_❀_ ** : F ANF IC T I O N

 

**chenosaur** : SEHUN READS FANFICTION WHAT

 

**minseok** **_❀_ ** : WE HAVE A POT OF HOT STEAMING TEA

 

**chenosaur** : OUCH ALMOST BURNED MY TONGUE

 

**kim junmyeon** : i don't get why tea is involved in this, but i must admit this is rather surprising.

 

**nini** : u know what fanfiction is hyung????

 

**kim junmyeon** : i’m not that behind on the times, jongin.

 

**nini** : u still have a flip phone hyung

 

**kim junmyeon** : it works perfectly well, what's your point?

 

**minseok** **_❀_ ** : BUT I WONDER WHAT KIND OF FANFICTION HE READ

 

**minseok** **_❀_ ** : AND WHO IT INVOLVED

 

**chenosaur** : why do u know so much abt fanfiction lol

 

**minseok** **_❀_ ** : bc ive read some before

 

**minseok** **_❀_ ** : duh

 

**chenosaur** : interesting

 

**minseok** **_❀_ ** : dont tell me youve never read fanfiction before

 

**chenosaur** : cant say that i have

 

**minseok** **_❀_ ** : OMG

 

**minseok** **_❀_ ** : alright bye losers me n jongdae are gonna discover the joys of fanfiction

 

**chenosaurs** : what

 

**minseok** **_❀_ ** : dont worry youll like it

 

**sebooty** : ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

**minseok** **_❀_ ** : get out sehun no one wants you here

 

**sebooty** : fuck u hyung im the reason this chat exists

 

**minseok** **_❀_ ** : didnt ask

  
**sebooty:**  ｡゜(｀Д´)゜｡

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if u read this as always thank u!! updates will probably be a bit less often from now on ish bc im uncreative and ive also been trying to work on a bts fic so ya know..
> 
> please let me know if there are any grammar mistakes or inconsistencies!!


	4. welcome to the 2017 roast olympics

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sehun gets roasted but... shit goes down this time
> 
> ft. loads of unnecessary ellipses, suho being a mom, & horrible grammar

_Friday, February 24_

_8:49 PM_

 

 **sebooty** : i didnt go through the effort of making this chat just for it to die 2 days later

 

 **sebooty** : someone get on here

 

 **sebooty** : talk to meeeeeeee

 

 **sebooty** : i am so lonely

 

 **sebooty** : l o n e l y

 

 **sebooty** : day 87. still no signs of human civilization. beginning to lose hope. i fear the end is near.

 

 **kyungsoup** : this is why no one likes you

 

 **sebooty** : i have 3 times more friends than you hyung

 

 **kyungsoup** : 3 times 0 is still 0

 

 **sebooty** : (; ･`д･´)

 

 **sebooty** : wait

 

 **sebooty** : u also just roasted urself there

 

 **kyungsoup** : im willing to sacrifice my own self dignity for the sake of roasting you

 

 **sebooty** : what have i ever done to u

 

 **kyungsoup** : existed

 

 **sebooty** : thats rlly not a reason

 

 **kyungsoup** : did i ask

 

 **kyungsoup** : im leaving

 

 **kyungsoup** : bye

 

 **sebooty** : WAI T DONT LEAVE

 

 **sebooty** : kyungsoooooooooooo

 

 **sebooty** : day 90. i am alone once again. isolated. fate is so cruel.

 

 **chenosaur** : sehun go get a life

 

 **sebooty** : and do u happen to know where i could find one

 

 **chenosaur** : hm

 

 **yixing** : try costco

 

 **minseok ❀** : aisle 19

 

 **beaglehyun** : i heard amazon has some in stock

 

 **chanyeol!!!!** : + free shipping for a limited time only!!

 

 **nini** : theyre on sale now @ target

 

 **sebooty** : junmyeon hyung pls tell everyone to stop bullying me

 

 **kim junmyeon** : sehun, you were kind of asking for it

 

 **sebooty** : hyUNg

 

 **beaglehyun** : a truly incredible roast

 

 **chenosaur** : best performance weve seen in years

 

 **kyungsoup** : amazing

 

 **sebooty** : i Cannot™ believe this utter disrespect

 

 **chanyeol!!!!** : i think the execution could have been smoother, but overall, excellent technique, 9/10

 

 **yixing** : ill second that, 9/10

 

 **nini** : agreed, 9/10

 

 **sebooty** : no one loves me

 

 **minseok ❀** : i beg to differ, id say from a rookie that deserves a 9.5

 

 **beaglehyun** : … commentator minseok brings up an excellent point

 

 **chenosaur** : i think well have to take that into consideration before releasing the final score

 

 **kim junmyeon** : lord have mercy

 

 **sebooty** : i see im not wanted here

 

 **sebooty** : guerss i;ll just go jump; out th3 winddjw

 

 **sebooty** : goodby4 crue;l woirl1d

 

 **chanyeol!!!!** : after a brief consensus i believe weve reached our decision

 

 **kyungsoup** : for a job well done on a very clean roast, we award kim junmyeon with a 9.3 out of 10

 

 **nini** : congratulations hyung

 

 **yixing** : highest ive ever gotten is a 8.7, very impressive

 

 **kim junmyeon** : is no one at all concerned that sehun just said he’s jumping out the window?

 

 **beaglehyun** : lemme think about that for a sec

 

 **beaglehyun** : …

 

 **beaglehyun** : nah

 

 **kim junmyeon** : byun baekhyun, don’t make me ground you again.

 

 **beaglehyun** : im jk hyung dont freak out

 

 **beaglehyun** : ill go check on him

 

 **kim junmyeon** : good

 

 **kim junmyeon** : i think you should all apologize to sehun when he gets back

 

 **kyungsoup** : do i really have to

 

 **kim junmyeon** : yes

 

 **beaglehyun** : uh guys

 

 **kim junmyeon** : what is it, baekhyun? is sehun upstairs?

 

 **beaglehyun** : ..maybe?

 

 **kim junmyeon** : answer the question, baekhyun, where is he?

 

 **beaglehyun** : i dont know

 

 **kim junmyeon** : if you don’t want to apologize, get over it, because otherwise you won’t get dinner.

 

 **beaglehyun** : no hyung im serious

 

 **beaglehyun** : the window is open

 

 **yixing** : what the fuck

 

 **beaglehyun** : and i cant find sehun

  
**chenosaur** : …shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM ALIVE
> 
>  
> 
> its been forever but uh heres a chapter.. + i actually dont know how to roast so this was kind of a stretch haha (pls only judge me a little for my shitty roasts) feedback is much appreciated! thanks for reading ~~


	5. how to be petty 101 by oh sehun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lets just say that sehun is not actually dead.
> 
>  
> 
> alternate title: suho teaches the gang some valuable life lessons.

_ Friday, February 24 _

_ 9:15 PM _

 

**chanyeol!!!!** : guys i just checked all the rooms sehuns not there

 

**chenosaur** : hes not in the kitchen

 

**kim junmyeon** : could he have actually jumped? we’ve checked almost everywhere..

 

**kyungsoup** : i would like to report sehuns not in the bathroom despite being a little shit

 

**beaglehyun** : normally i would debate the points that roast deserves but in this situation i think that wouldnt be appropriate

 

**kim junmyeon** : a wise choice, baekhyun.

 

**kim junmyeon** : i’m honestly very flustered right now. i don’t think sehun would actually jump out a window, because that seems very extreme, but i don’t know where else he could be.

 

**nini** : yixing and i are back, sehuns not outside???

 

**minseok ❀** : when we find that kid im gonna kick his ass

 

**beaglehyun** : guys..

 

**beaglehyun** : what if he actually jumped??

 

**beaglehyun** : i mean, its pretty unlikely but

 

**beaglehyun** : what are we going to do without him?

 

**kim junmyeon** : i’m sure he’s around here somewhere, don’t worry baekhyun.

 

**beaglehyun** : but hyung

 

**beaglehyun** : what if sehun is dead?? then we caused him to commit suicide..

 

**chenosaur** : omg we could be charged for murder

 

**chanyeol!!!!** : i dont want to go to jail junmyeon hyufng dont let the.m take mde

 

**kim junmyeon** : maybe you should all apologize, just in case.

 

**beaglehyun** : IM SORRY SEHUN COME BACK I DIDNT REALLY WANT YOU TO JUMP OUT A WINDOW ILL MISS YOU AND YOUR DUMB FACE IF YOURE DEAD

 

**chenosaur** : im sorry too sehun come back pls

 

**minseok ❀** : i didnt really mean it either, im sorry sehun

 

**yixing** : im sorry we were really just joking

 

**nini** : i didnt mean to hurt your feelings sehun im sorry

 

**chanyeol!!!!** : sehun please come back ill miss you if youre dead so please dont be dead!!!

 

**kyungsoup** : ..i apologize for offending you

 

**kim junmyeon** : there, now do any of you feel better?

 

**kyungsoup** : i feel nauseous 

 

**kyungsoup** : something bad is coming

 

**sebooty** : wasSUP FUCKERS

**beaglehyun** : WHAT THE FUCK ITS A GHOST

 

**chenosaur** : EOFJIWKSLDFJ

 

**kim junmyeon** : can’t say i didn’t see this coming

 

**chanyeol!!!!** : holy shit the ghost is typinf

 

**sebooty** : HAHHA I HAVE EVIDENCE THAT YOU ALL CARE ABOUT ME

 

**minseok ❀** : he didnt

 

**sebooty** : [ image ]

 

**nini** : is that a screenshot omfg

 

**minseok ❀:** he did

 

**yixing** : ..wow

 

**sebooty** : HOW DOES IT FEEL 

 

**sebooty** : IM LAUGHINF SO HARD RN

 

**sebooty** : BEST PRANFK EVER

 

**sebooty** : DID U ALL ACTUALLY THINK I WAS DEAD

 

**beaglehyun** : (；￣Д￣）

 

 **sebooty** has changed their name to **the greatest prankster of all time**

 

**kim junmyeon** : i don’t think you need to go quite that far, sehun.

 

**the greatest prankster of all time** : i should pretend to die more often

 

**minseok ❀** : wait sehun actually where are you rn

 

**the greatest prankster of all time** : GUESS

 

**minseok ❀** : no

 

**the greatest prankster of all time** : yall r no fun o(｀Д´ )o

 

**minseok ❀** : where

 

**the greatest prankster of all time** : fine

 

**the greatest prankster of all time** : dont laugh

 

**the greatest prankster of all time** : im in the trash bin outside

 

**kyungsoup** : finally where you belong

 

**the greatest prankster of all time** : im not doing this today ok hyung leave me alone

 

**yixing** : also how tf did you get down from the second floor

 

**the greatest prankster of all time** : a magician never reveals their secrets（；￣︶￣）

 

**nini** : i cant believe we all fell for that

 

**kim junmyeon** : me too, but i think we can all learn a valuable lesson from this.

 

**beaglehyun** : and that is..?

 

**kyungsoup** : that sehun is a slippery annoying little weasel and that we should never leave him alone upstairs again?

 

**yixing** : that junmyeon hyung can be fucking savage when he wants to??

 

**minseok ❀** : seconded

 

**kim junmyeon** : why are you all like this?

 

**kim junmyeon** : no, none of those are right.

 

**kim junmyeon** : that even if we all fight sometimes, at the end of the day, we are still one, and we will be, hopefully for much longer. disagreeing is natural between us and we will never have all the same opinions, but our bond is much stronger than that and silly fights won’t be able to break us apart. as much as we may pretend to dislike each other, we all deeply care for each other and would all be crushed if anything happened to any of us. i hope you all know that i appreciate all of you, no matter how stupid you may be sometimes. i think we were destined to be a group, but the universe does strange things so who really knows. basically, we all love each other and wouldn't ACTUALLY want one of us to die. 

 

**nini** : damn

 

**chanyeol!!!!** : some deep shit right there

 

**chenosaur** : im questioning my very existence rn man

 

**sebooty** : well i think i took away that if i pretend to die everyone will admit they love me

 

**kyungsoup** : and hyung i think i definitely took away that sehun is an annoying brat and that he cant be trusted to be left alone

 

**kim junmyeon** : why do i even bother

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg an update!!!! (watch the video linked for a real time reaction video of me to myself posting a chapter) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_vX9VxDLm0&t=21s
> 
> no but actually watch that video its a real good content
> 
> sorry my writing sucks ass in advance, but thank u for reading!! blah blah comments + any feedback are always appreciated blah but rlly i love u if u read my pile of trash hiding as a fanfic, kudos make me very happy!! 
> 
> uh as u have seen updates are slow so dont expect anything BYE


	6. the cashew incident

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> chanyeol dug his own grave, now welcome to his funeral.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !! - in this chapter there are actual pictures for some of the images so click the links ;)))))))))))

_Saturday, February 25_

_2:18 AM_

 

 **chanyeol!!!!** : what is the meaning of our existence

 

 **kyungsoup** : chanyeol it is 2 in the morning why are you here

 

 **chanyeol!!!!** : why i am here?

 

 **chanyeol!!!!** : that is a very good question indeed

 

 **chanyeol!!!!** : that i fear i may never know the answer to

 

 **chanyeol!!!!** : but really

 

 **chanyeol!!!!** : why are any of us here

 

 **the greatest prankster of all time** : im here cause i wanted a place to annoy people

 

 **chanyeol!!!!** : not in this group chat u watermelon rind

 

 **chanyeol!!!!** : existing

 

 **chanyeol!!!!** : why do we exist

 

 **kyungsoup** : and why do you think any of us would know moron

 

 **chanyeol!!!!** : i dunno

 

 **kyungsoup** : also

 

 **kyungsoup** has changed **the greatest prankster of all time** ’s nickname to **weasel**

 

 **weasel** : excuse me

 

 **weasel** : i literally look nothing like a weasel hyung ok

 

 **kyungsoup** : i beg to differ

 

 **kyungsoup** : [[image](http://data.whicdn.com/images/100357074/superthumb.gif)]

 

 **kyungsoup** : [ [ image ](http://i.imgur.com/wfskdfe.jpg)]

 

 **kyungsoup** : does no one see the resemblance

 

 **beaglehyun** : holy shit

 

 **chenosaur** : i must say they do look extremely similar

 

 **nini** : sehun = weasel??????

 

 **weasel** : hyun g  pls

 

 **weasel** : i didnt come here to be bullied

 

 **weasel** : remember when you thought i was dead

 

 **kyungsoup** : send that screenshot and i end your life

 

 **weasel** : [image]

 

 **kyungsoup** : .

 

 **kyungsoup** : excuse me for a sec

 

 **beaglehyun** : rip oh sehun, gone too soon

 

 **chanyeol!!!!** : arent we all

 

 **chanyeol!!!!** : life is so meaningless man

 

 **chenosaur** : chanyeol u good????

 

 **chanyeol!!!!** : NO

 

 **chenosaur** : what happened

 

 **chanyeol!!!!** : i dont want to talk about it

 

 **kyungsoup** : im-

 

 **kyungsoup** : sleep with one eye open, park chanyeol

 

 **kim junmyeon** : kyungsoo, we’ve discussed this. death threats are not allowed before 5 in the morning.

 

 **kyungsoup** : i actually never agreed to that

 

 **kim junmyeon** : just please refrain from beating anyone up, it’s too early for this.

 

 **kyungsoup** : fine

 

 **kyungsoup** : tomorrow morning, you and me, chanyeol

 

 **chanyeol!!!!** : i dont care

 

 **chanyeol!!!!** : you can beat me up

 

 **chanyeol!!!!** : this body is but an earthly vessel

 

 **weasel** : stop having legitimate deep thoughts thanks

 

 **weasel** : i signed up for memes and good friendly roasts in this group chat not this existential crisis and life lessons bullshit

 

 **chenosaur** : u literally faked ur own death just to be petty sehun shut your damn mouth

 

 **weasel** : i was but a soft minded child, thats in the past ok hyung

 

 **chenosaur** : 1. that was like 5 hours ago and 2. you are 23 years old

 

 **weasel** : i can be a child if i want to

 

 **yixing** : speaking of children

 

 **yixing** : would anyone be interested in 15 bags of cashews by any chance

 

 **weasel** : wtf

 

 **chenosaur** : but what does that have to do with children

 

 **yixing** : it doesnt

 

 **yixing** : i just want to get rid of my cashews

 

 **beaglehyun** : cashews are fuckin gross man im good

 

 **chanyeol!!!!** : EXCUSFE ME BYUHN BAEFKHYUN WHAT DISD YOU JUST SAY ABOUSST CASHEWS????????

 

 **beaglehyun** : what

 

 **chanyeol!!!!** : ILL HAVE YOU KNOW

  
  
**chanyeol!!!!** : CASHEWS ARE BETTEWR THAN ALL OFD YOU FRICKS

 

 **minseok ❀** : ”fricks”

 

 **nini** : i thought you were having an existential crisis chanyeol..?

 

 **chanyeol!!!!** : NOT ANYHMORE I KNOW WHAT MY EXISTWENCE IS

 

 **chanyeol!!!!** : CASHEWS

 

 **beaglehyun** : what the fuck??????????????????????

 

 **nini** : ,,relatable

 

 **yixing** : chanyeol thats cool man but can u take these cashews

 

 **yixing** : please

 

 **kim junmyeon** : i would really like to know how you came into the possession of 15 bags of cashews, yixing..?

 

 **chanyeol!!!!** : IDK MAYBE HE RLLY LIKES CASHEWS

  
  
**chanyeol!!!!** : I WOULD BUY 15 BAGS OF CASHEWS

 

 **kyungsoup** : but did anyone ask?

 

 **chanyeol!!!!** : kyungsoo

 

 **chanyeol!!!!** :  i would like you to know that my love for cashews is pure and wholesome stop this disrespect please?

 

 **nini** : ok no that is a whole lie right there park chanyeol

 

 **chanyeol!!!!** : pardon

 

 **nini** : everyone i went onto the computer one time and chanyeol forgot to sign out so his desktop was open and there was a folder labelled “chanyeol’s top secret stuff do not open unless youre chanyeol and if youre me hi” so i opened it obviously and guess what i saw

 

 **chanyeol!!!!** : wAIT NO DONT

 

 **chanyeol!!!!** : JONGIN

 

 **chanyeol!!!!** : I WILL PAY YOU

 

 **chanyeol!!!!** : GOOD MONEY

 

 **chanyeol!!!!** : LIKE $20

 

 **nini** : SHUT UP CHANYEOL I DONT WANT YOUR MONEY I WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW WHY IM PERMANENTLY SCARRED

 

 **kim junmyeon** : what was it jongin?

 

 **nini** : IT WAS CASHEW PORN

 

 **yixing** : what in gods holy name

 

 **chenosaur** : how.. does that even work??? im-

 

 **nini** : I DONT EVEN FUCKING KNOW MAYBE ASK MISTER CASHEW MOLESTER HERE

 

 **_chanyeol!!!!_ ** _has left the chat._

 

 **_nini_ ** _added_ **_chanyeol!!!!_ ** _to the chat._

 

 **nini** : DONT TRY CHANYEOL YOURE NOT GETTING OUT OF THIS ONE

 

 **nini** : NO REPEATS OF THE “MARSHMALLOW FLUFF INCIDENT” WILL HAPPEN ON MY WATCH

 

 **chanyeol!!!!** : YOU AGREED WE WOULDNT SPEAK OF THAT JONGIN FUCK YOU

 

 **nini** : HOW BOUT YOU FUCK A CASHEW INSTEAD

 

 **minseok** **❀** : damn

 

 **weasel** : ik im not one to judge chanyeol but thats pretty fucked up

 

 **chanyeol!!!!** : LEAVE ME ALONE YOU FRICKS

 

 **kyungsoup** has changed **chanyeol!!!!** ’s nickname to **send this man to jail**

 

 **kim junmyeon** : chanyeol, i love you, but please maybe go to church sometime.

 

 **kyungsoup** : ah

 

 **kyungsoup** has changed **chanyeol!!!!** ’s nickname to **send this man to church**

 

 **send this man to church** : FKDJKLSJLFKJD

 

 **yixing** : y’all i just want someone to take these cashews,

 

 **beaglehyun** : for fucks sake its 2 in the morning why cant i have normal friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAHA HOLY SHIT WHAT IS THIS
> 
> my mind is kinda just spitting stuff out and idk hones t ly
> 
> but wow heres a chapter have fun kiddos


	7. (； ⊙‿ ⊙)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just another day in the exo group chat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in advance,, this is awful and also very short, im sorry

_Saturday, February 25_

_1:34 PM_

 

 **send this man to church** : hey

 

 **beaglehyun** : what you fucking cashew molester

 

 **send this man to church** : ple as e

 

 **nini** : YOU BROUGHT THIS UPON YOURSELF

 

 **nini** : REAP WHAT YOUVE SOWN PARK CASHEW

 

 **chenosaur** : PARK CASHEWLKSJDFLKD

 

 **weasel** : whos park chanyeol???? i only know park cashew

 

 **send this man to church** : HAVE I NOT PAID ENOUGH FOR MY SINS

 

 **nini** : REMOVE YOURSELF PARK CASHEW YOU DONT KNOW THE THINGS IVE SEEN

 

 **send this man to church** : FFS THOSE WERE MY /PERSONAL/ FILES

 

 **nini** : DO NOT SPEAK

 

 **send this man to church** : LIKE YALL DONT HAVE SECRET PORN FILES EITHER

 

 **minseok ❀** : but it is not /cashew/ porn

 

 **beaglehyun** : i still dont understand how that works

 

 **yixing** : for the last damn time elsa is not a fucking disney princess she is a QUEEN

 

 **chenosaur** : same

 

 **yixing** : wrong chat lmao

 

 **yixing** : but are you going to bash the validity of elsas position as a queen rather than a princess too bc if you are i will fight you right here right now

 

 **chenosaur** : nah man elsas a g

 

 **yixing** : good

 

 **minseok ❀** : “elsas a g” who even are you

 

 **weasel** : ok but u know who else is a g

 

 **kyungsoup** : if you say me i will deck your weasel ass into next friday

 

 **weasel** : i was going to but,

 

 **weasel** : i changed my mind (； ⊙‿ ⊙)

 

 **kim junmyeon** : good, we’ve had too many trips to the emergency room this month alone

 

 **beaglehyun** : omg

 

 **beaglehyun** : yall remember two weeks ago when chanyeol

 

 **beaglehyun** : whoops my b park cashew

 

 **send this man to church** : FFFFFFFSSKDKSKSK

 

 **beaglehyun** : ok yall remember when cashew almost choked and died eating a bagel

 

 **minseok ❀** : ,,,,do not recall??

 

 **beaglehyun** : aka,, _“The Pizza Bites Incident”_

 

 **minseok ❀** : ah, i see it now

 

 **minseok ❀** : as if it was just yesterday

 

 **chenosaur** : classic honestly

 

 **send this man to church** : when will the harassment stop

 

 **weasel** : its nice not being the target of bullying in this chat for once uwu

 

 **minseok ❀** : please never say ‘uwu’ again or i will be forced to use violent means against you

 

 **weasel** : what is with all the threats of physical harm to my person today,, (⊙‿ ⊙)

 

 **yixing** : everyone i have seen hell

 

 **nini** : what did you go into cashews “secret folder”

 

 **_send this man to church_ ** _has left the chat._

 

 **_nini_ ** _added_ **_send this man to church_ ** _to the chat._

 

 **nini** : no park cashew

 

 **yixing** : lmao nah

 

 **yixing** : but this was p bad too

 

 **yixing** : ok so: a twelve year old with an iphone 7 and a glitter case with a pop socket on it, wearing a shirt that says ‘#selfie’ on it on glitter writing

 

 **beaglehyun** : oof

 

 **yixing** : it gets worse

 

 **yixing** : making a musically

 

 **beaglehyun** : what song though

 

 **yixing** : some jacob sartorius one i think

 

 **beaglehyun** : Oof

 

 **yixing** : but this is all while holding a fidget spinner, trying to lip sync, and pretending to vape with a cheeto at the same time

 

 **beaglehyun** : OOF

 

 **chenosaur** : who wants to bet they run a slime account on instagram

 

 **kyungsoup** : i fear for the next generation

 

 **kyungsoup** : saying that makes me feel old

 

 **weasel** : bc u are old hyung

 

 **kyungsoup** : maybe but since its you who said it i will take extreme offense from that statement

 

 **beaglehyun** : i have come to the conclusion that this chat is 80% bullying/roasting each other, 5% being disgusted w cashews cashew fetish, 10% junmyeon hyung being done w our bullshit, and 5% actual conversation

 

 **minseok ❀** : i think less actual conversation but otherwise where is the lie

 

 **send this man to church** : i,, am so sick of being alive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is so bad idc dont @ me
> 
> sorry for being dead but school is over now y33t (probably wont update anymore often hdsfhdjhkdkdksksk what)
> 
> as always thanks for reading, kudos + feedback are always appreciated uwuwuwu


	8. jesus + gummy worms + tea = ;)))

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they need jesus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please don't be offended by all the religious um references i guess? its all in good fun, don't take it seriously :'))

_ Sunday, February 26 _

_ 6:00 AM _

 

**chenosaur** : rise and shine bitches

 

**kyungsoup** : why the fuck are you awake

 

**weasel** : stop using all this goddamn inappropriate language im a child my innocence is gone

 

**beaglehyun** : did you just use the lords name in vain

 

**beaglehyun** : it is the  _ Sabbath Day _ i cannot believe you heathens

 

**weasel** : Jesus Christ

 

**beaglehyun** : you absolute monster i am Horrified

 

**minseok ❀** : Youth today are so Disrespectful!! I cannot believe these Children think it is Okay for them to use such Awful Language! Them and their darn Avocado Toast! Back in my Day we ate Laundry Detergent for Fun and we Liked it!

 

**weasel** : What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.

 

**kyungsoup** : jongdae why did you have to say something in this chat at this ungodly hour

 

**beaglehyun** : EVERY HOUR OF THE SABBATH DAY IS /GODLY/ IDK WHAT YOU MEAN

 

**weasel** changed  **beaglehyun** ’s nickname to  **priest baekhyun**

 

**priest baekhyun** : thats right hoes im PURE unlike all of you blasphemous sinners

 

**priest baekhyun** : im looking at you park cashew

 

**send this man to church** : i will not go to your damn church leave me alone 凸ಠ益ಠ)凸

 

**minseok ❀** : you know what im not even going to ask

 

**priest baekhyun** : the only thing you should be asking is “do you know jesus our holy lord and savior” CAN I GET AN AMEN

 

**kyungsoup** : no

 

**priest baekhyun** : well someone needs more Jesus in their life!

 

**chenosaur** : what is wrong with baekhyun today ffs

 

**weasel** : alright which one of you fuckers bought a 5 pound bag of gummy worms and left it on the table

 

**minseok ❀** : do u have a problem with gummy worms

 

**weasel** : after watching baekhyun and chanyeol try to see who could eat more of them in 30 seconds last friday yes i do

 

**yixing** : those r mine dont touch them i need them for something

 

**chenosaur** : tf you doing w a 5 pound bag of gummy worms

 

**yixing** : its a secret

 

**kyungsoup** : i swear to god if i find gummy worm porn on your desktop

 

**priest baekhyun** : dont swear to god you infidel

 

**send this man to church** : LEAVE ME TF ALONE ALREADY GODDAMN

 

**priest baekhyun** : HHHHHHHHHSKKKKKKKKKKKHKDJKSH

 

**yixing** : no im going to a party and they said to bring gummy worms

 

**minseok ❀** : fuck kinda party is that

 

**kim junmyeon** : you all need to stop swearing in every sentence.

 

**priest baekhyun** : agreed, the lord disapproves of foul language!

 

**nini** : shut the fuck your mouth

 

**priest baekhyun** : no

 

**chenosaur** : has anyone seen my phone

 

**kyungsoup** : no

 

**send this man to church** : no

 

**minseok ❀** : wait how tf are you on here without your phone

 

**chenosaur** : im at the library using a computer and some kid playing minecraft is next to me and keeps reading my screen but its k hey kiddo

 

**weasel** : idk have i seen ur phone? ;)))))))))

 

**chenosaur** : goddammit sehun where is it

 

**priest baekhyun** : im done w all of you sinners

 

**weasel** : its plugged in u must have just forgotten it

 

**chenosaur** : oh ok thanks

 

**chenosaur** : dont touch it pls

 

**weasel** : hmmmm too late

 

**chenosaur** : you dont know my password you weasel you cant do shit

 

**weasel** : ,,,,idk hyung,, 12345 isnt a very,, hard password,, to guess,,, ;))))))))))

 

**chenosaur** : GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY PHONE

 

**minseok ❀** : why you hiding cashew porn too

 

**send this man to church** : im out adios amigos it was a mediocre life while it lasted

 

**chenosaur** : no,,,,, but

 

**weasel** : haha wtf is this why do u have like 5 peppa pig episodes downloaded

 

**chenosaur** : sehun pls stop,,

 

**yixing** : peppa pig is the shit idk what u mean sehun

 

**weasel** : hah u play neko atsume nerd

 

**chenosaur** : Leave Me Alone

 

**weasel** : whoa hyung you have a tumblr??

 

**weasel** : lets go on it shall we??????

 

**chenosaur** : WHOA WHOA WHOA WE SHALL NOT

 

**weasel** : hmm too late ;)))))))

 

**nini** : stop that makes you look like a fuckboy

 

**weasel** : what you mean this?? ;)

 

**nini** : dont make me come beat your ass sehun

 

**weasel** : haha then what?? ;)

 

**nini** : end my suffering please

 

**weasel** : tumblr is taking too long to load

 

**weasel** : wait its done

 

**weasel** : oh my FUCK

 

**minseok ❀** : what is it

 

**weasel** : IM SHAKING, CHOKING, DEAD, WHEEZING, CRYING IN THE CLUB

 

**nini** : youre in the club

 

**_chenosaur_ ** _ has left the chat. _

 

**weasel** : ill add him back later,, FIRST EVERYONE GATHER ROUND I HAVE SOME TEA I WOULD LIKE TO SPILL

 

**kyungsoup** : why does everyone seem to like exposing each other so much

 

**weasel** : GUYS JONGDAE RUNS A FUCKING FAN BLOG DEDICATED TO MINSEOK

 

**minseok ❀** : oh

 

**kim junmyeon** : i must say, i didn’t see that one coming.

 

**yixing** : xiuchen irl god is real

 

**priest baekhyun** : ofc god is real smh

 

**minseok ❀** : fuck is a xiuchen

 

**weasel** : lmao the tea has been spilled,,

 

**_weasel_ ** _ added  _ **_chenosaur_ ** _ to the chat. _

 

**weasel** : you can explain im out bye

 

**chenosaur** : ok minseok hyung first off,, ITS NOT WHAT YOU THINK

 

**minseok ❀** : is it

 

**kyungsoup** has changed  **chenosaur** ’s nickname to  **xiubooty fanboy**

 

**minseok ❀** : im not really mad jongdae,, just

 

**minseok ❀** : why,,

 

**xiubooty fanboy** : im private messaging you

 

**minseok ❀** : ok

 

**nini** : ooooooooh ;))))

 

**yixing** : ;))))

 

**kyungsoup** : ;))))

 

**xiubooty fanboy** : stop

 

**xiubooty fanboy** : also someone please change my damn name

 

**weasel** : ;))))

 

**priest baekhyun** : ;))))

 

**xiubooty fanboy** : fuck all of you im finding new friends

 

**send this man to church** : ;))))

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EVERYONE I WOULD LIKE YOU TO KNOW THAT THIS VIDEO IS THE REASON IM LIVING TODAY WATCH IT RN: https://youtu.be/MtZcBNg63YY
> 
> haha im not funny,, im trying to cut down on the amount of times they make fun of chanyeol for his /cashew kink/ but it didnt really happen,,,
> 
> also im lay, youre lay, we're all lay tbh
> 
> guys i just remembered exos comeback is THIS!! MONTH!!! IM SCREAMING INTO THE VOID STAN TALENT STAN KINGS STAN EXO
> 
> alright these notes are too long and weird so pls leave feedback + kudos and ill try to write more soon lmao bye
> 
>  
> 
> (ps happy late birthday taeyong!!)


	9. kyungsoo lays down the law

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what even is going on anymore?? who knows??? not me!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i changed my name! i used to be ukvsno if you were wondering, just thought it was time for a change^^

_Sunday, February 26_

_11:27 AM_

 

 **weasel** : y’all,, disregarding all that “jongdae runs a secret minseok fanblog stuff”,, why was jongdae hyung at the library at 6 in the morning???

 

 **send this man to church** : another one of lifes greatest mysteries

 

 **nini** : along with how tf jongdae hyung has been running a fanblog for minseok hyung this entire time and no one knew???????????????????

 

 **priest baekhyun** : also i would like to know how a cashew fetish is even a thing

 

 **send this man to church** : im jyst not gonna say anythign anymore

 

 **minseok ❀** : hey

 

 **weasel** : OOOOOOOOOOOOOH how was your ;)))) private ;)))) chat ;)))))))))))

 

 **minseok ❀** : stfu you lil hoe everything is fine

 

 **xiubooty fanboy** : yknow i said i wanted to change my name earlier but i think im ok with this one for now actually

 

 **minseok ❀** : this kid,,

 

 **nini** : O MG

 

 **yixing** : xiuchen is fucking canon

 

 **nini** : ^^^^^^^^

 

 **kim junmyeon** : this has been a surprising turn of events.

 

 **weasel** : I’LL SAY

 

 **kyungsoup** : are you guys actually dating

 

 **xiubooty fanboy** : idk

 

 **yixing** : [ [ image ](https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-jshJeIYN-kQ/U6yS7pA7BEI/AAAAAAAAB2E/XkTilBZ8kPA/w500-h500/xiuchen.jpg)]

 

 **minseok ❀** : wtf how do you have that picture

 

 **yixing** : [ [ image ](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CgZi8BLUMAA1KMy.jpg)]

 

 **xiubooty fanboy** : im Concerned

 

 **kyungsoup** : anyone care to explain where the FUCK my shoes are

 

 **kim junmyeon** : what?

 

 **kyungsoup** : ALL MY SHOES ARE GONE

 

 **kyungsoup** : EVERY SINGLE ONE

 

 **kyungsoup** : SOMEONE EXPLAIN BEFORE IM FORCED TO PUNCH ONE OR POSSIBLY ALL OF YOU REALLY HARD IN THE FACE

 

 **kyungsoup** : except for junmyeon hyung possibly because i actually respect him

 

 **kyungsoup** : BUT ONE OF YOU FUCKERS DID SOMETHING TO MY SHOES

 

 **kyungsoup** : WHO WAS IT

 

 **priest baekhyun** : ive never see kyungsoo type so much,, and in all caps too?? incredible

 

 **kim junmyeon** : i appreciate you possibly not punching me, i respect you too, kyungsoo.

 

 **kim junmyeon** : and you’re sure they’re ALL gone? and they’re not anywhere in the closet or anywhere else inside?

 

 **kyungsoup** : EVERY GODDAMN SHOE IS GONE EVEN THE MORONIC PORORO SLIPPERS I GOT FROM THAT LITTLE SHITHEAD SEHUN FOR CHRISTMAS 2 YEARS AGO

 

 **yixing** : those are hella tight idk what u mean

 

 **minseok ❀** : dont say the words “hella” and “tight” in the same sentence ever again please

 

 **kyungsoup** : now that i think about it sehun is the most probable person to have done this

 

 **kim junmyeon** : normally i would agree, but sehun is out running

 

 **weasel** : running from all my problems ay lmao

 

 **xiubooty fanboy** : i crave the sweet release of death

 

 **kyungsoup** : DOES NO ONE CARE THAT I HAVE LITERALLY NO SHOES

 

 **send this man to church** : feelsbadman

 

 **kyungsoup** : GET OUT PARK CHANYEOL

 

 **kyungsoup** : im going to interrogate each and every one of you until i figure out where the fuck my shoes are

 

 **kyungsoup** : and youre first chanyeol

 

 **send this man to church** : why me????

 

 **kyungsoup** : why not do you have something to hide?? i already suspected you, your giant elf ass was too tall to be trusted

 

 **send this man to church** : I DIDNT CHOOSE TO BE 185 CM GODDAMN

 

 **kyungsoup** : youre still a suspect

 

 **weasel** has changed **kyungsoup** ’s nickname to **mall cop**

 

 **minseok ❀** : why mall cop why not just normal cop

 

 **weasel** : bc,

 

 **weasel** : paul blart mall cop

 

 **nini** : oh my go d

 

 **weasel** : forget the slippers kyungsoo hyung im buying you a pororo segway

 

 **yixing** : he wouldnt truly appreciate it sehun you should give it to me

 

 **mall cop** : I WONT REST UNTIL I FIND OUT WHERE MY SHOES ARE AND WHO DID IT

 

 **mall cop** : AND THAT PERSON WILL PAY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry everyone was kind out of character but do i care?? probably yes but im not boutta change it so
> 
>  
> 
> hi you know the drill im lazy and never update but wow! would you look at that! im here and still in a constant state of suffering
> 
> feedback and kudos are always appreciated ;'))
> 
>  
> 
> oh and support exos comeback their entire album is gold thanks


	10. who wants some pizza

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> stale memes with a side of what the fuck enjoy:))))

_Sunday, February 26_

_5:58 PM_

 

 **weasel** : im hungry who wants pizza

 

 **nini** : im always a slut for pizza

 

 **mall cop** : I DONT WANT PIZZA I WANT JUSTICE FFS

 

 **xiubooty fanboy** : and i wanna die but we cant always get what we want now can we

 

 **mall cop** : i fucking hate all of you with a burning passion

 

 **kim junmyeon** : now, now, i’m sure we’ll be able to find the culprit soon enough.

 

 **mall cop** : IVE WASTED MY WHOLE DAY TRYING TO FIGURE THIS OUT AND I HAVENT GOTTEN IT AND NO ONE HAS SAID SHIT

 

 **yixing** : maybe this is a sign

 

 **priest baekhyun** : of what lmao

 

 **mall cop** : that i should murder all of you in your sleep tonight?? because thats the kind of vibe im feeling right now

 

 **yixing** : i was gonna say that its telling u to go become the next great monk and walk around barefoot and go live in the mountains and shave ur hair and fast and shit but im not exactly opposed to ur idea either dude

 

 **mall cop** : glad to have your support yixing

 

 **yixing** : oh shit that sounds like avatar

 

 **yixing** : if any of u figure out how to airbend hit me tf up

 

 **weasel** : we’re ordering a pizza what kind do yall want

 

 **priest baekhyun** : i was thinking maybe

 

 **priest baekhyun** : b o n e l e s s

 

 **nini** : GET THE FUCK OUT

 

 **priest baekhyun** : you like bones on your pizza?? ok you do you

 

 **kim junmyeon** : how can pizza be boneless..?

 

 **minseok** **❀** : can we get a two liter of coke

 

 **weasel** : i’ll ask but i think two liter machine broke they probably got one liter though

 

 **nini** : im gonna neck myself tonight and itll be all your guys’s faults

 

 **nini** : except for junmyeon hyung he has never done a bad thing in his life

 

 **send this man to church** : uh i think not

 

 **nini** : name it park cashew

 

 **send this man to church** : yall remember when we went out,, and everyone was like kinda drunk except we all know junmyeon hyung cant hold his alcohol v well so he was pretty out there

 

 **send this man to church** : and then we were walking to the dorm right

 

 **send this man to church** : and junmyeon hyung just brings out a fucking for sale sign like outta nowhere??

 

 **send this man to church** : and this dude had like i forget like had yelled something at one of us i forget who and i forget what but

 

 **send this man to church** : junmyeon hyung just fuckin goes over and decks his ass with the sign?????

 

 **minseok ❀** : OH SHIT I REMEMBER THIS NOW THAT WAS A GOOD TIME

 

 **send this man to church** : and then all of us just stood for awhile then we were like HOLY SHIT JUNMYEON HYUNG JUST KNOCKED A BITCH OUT WITH A FOR SALE SIGN WE COULD GET ARRESTED

 

 **send this man to church** : and hyung was just kinda standing there looking at the dude

 

 **send this man to church** : so we made him drop the sign and sprinted back to the dorm

 

 **send this man to church** : ah yes just another episode of breaking the law with exo

 

 **kim junmyeon** : …i was hoping none of you would ever bring that up again.

 

 **priest baekhyun** : I FORGOT ABOUT IT UNTIL NOW ACTUALLY BUT IM NEVER LETTING THIS GO AGAIN JSDFLKJDSFLKSJDKF

 

 **yixing** : we should go out drinking more often like how about tonight

 

 **mall cop** : yeah we should except I HAVE NO FUCKING SHOES

 

 **weasel** : well that sounds more like a personal problem now doesnt it

 

 **mall cop** : im going to stab you with this butter knife right here right now come try me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this fic is getting harder to write bc im uninspired and not creative, idk how much longer ill keep it going?? will do my best but no promises skdjfakdj
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> kudos + comments ;')))))
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> oh & i wanna try writing for more fandoms!! if u have a group or smthing u wanna see me write, feel free to hmu with a request or smthing and i can do my best??


	11. they aren't ready

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this won't end well!

_Monday, February 27_

_2:17 AM_

 

**mall cop** _changed their name to_ **kyungsoup** _._

 

 **kyungsoup** : to the person who stole my shoes, one day i will find you and will exact my revenge but for now i hope a raccoon bites your dick

 

 **xiubooty fanboy** : thats kinda..

 

 **xiubooty fanboy** : why a raccoon

 

 **kyungsoup** : why not

 

 **kyungsoup** : you dont like raccoons??

 

 **xiubooty fanboy** : theyre like,

 

 **xiubooty fanboy** : gross

 

 **xiubooty fanboy** : their little hands are so

 

 **xiubooty fanboy** : unreliable

 

 **xiubooty fanboy** : why do they exist

 

 **kim junmyeon** : that’s oddly specific.

 

 **weasel** : hyung do you have a phobia of raccoons???

 

 **xiubooty fanboy** : NO forget i said anything wow dick biting raccoons sounds like a fun time

 

 **weasel** : i think jongdae hyung has a phobia of raccoons

 

 **weasel** : hyung how does this make you feel [ [ image ](http://www.nationalgeographic.com/content/dam/animals/thumbs/rights-exempt/mammals/r/raccoon_thumb.ngsversion.1485815402351.adapt.1900.1.JPG)]

 

 **xiubooty** **fanboy** : LEAVE ME ALONE

 

 **priest baekhyun** : why do i legitimately have no normal friends

 

 **kyungsoup** : says the man with the nickname “priest baekhyun”

 

 **priest baekhyun** : fuck you “kyungsoup”

 

 **kyungsoup** : fuck off youre as much of a sinner as the rest of us

 

 **weasel** : all you hyungs are im a pure soul

 

 **nini** : fucking liar

 

 **minseok ❀** : stop with all the profanity

 

 **yixing** : motherfucking dick ass goddamn shitty bitch ass fucker

 

 **kyungsoup** : sehun is an annoying little bitch but you didnt need to call him out like that yixing smh

 

 **weasel** : my image. slandered day after day. will no one stand up against this constant abuse.

 

 **kim junmyeon** : you all need help, i suggest therapy

 

 **send this man to church** : why would i pay someone to listen to me talk about my problems and insecurities when i could bottle them up and not acknowledge their existence instead uwu

 

 **xiubooty fanboy** : and you can shove that uwu up your ass park chanyeol

 

 **send this man to church** : someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed uwu

 

 **xiubooty fanboy** : end yourself

 

 **send this man to church** : gladly uwu

 

 **yixing** : i hope none of u ever get the succ

 

 **nini** : ???????????????????????????????

 

 **yixing** : yall dont deserve it

 

 **nini** : ????????????????????????????????????????????????????

 

 **nini** : sometimes i would like to know what goes on inside yixing hyungs head

 

 **kim junmyeon** : wouldn’t we all.

 

 **kim junmyeon** : we should all go do something together, it’s been awhile since we’ve all gone somewhere as a group!

 

 **kyungsoup** : i barely tolerate you fuckers in a group chat how am i supposed to deal with you all in real life?

 

 **priest baekhyun** : WE SHOULD!!!!!

 

 **priest baekhyun** : can we go RIGHT NOW

 

 **minseok ❀** : its two in the morning???

 

 **priest baekhyun** : yes

 

 **priest baekhyun** : its never too early for FUN

 

 **minseok ❀** : you do you ig

 

 **send this man to church** : can we go to laser tag

 

 **send this man to church** : please

 

 **xiubooty fanboy** : YEEEEEEEEEEES

 

 **yixing** : im always a slut for laser tag

 

 **kim junmyeon** : is everyone okay with that?

 

 **minseok ❀** : sure

 

 **priest baekhyun** : yup!!

 

 **nini** : yep!!

 

 **weasel** : yap!!

 

 **xiubooty fanboy** : why though sehun

 

 **weasel** : i wanted to Fit In pls hyung

 

 **kyungsoup** : i guess in the dark i can hit one of you in the head really hard and not get caught?

 

 **kyungsoup** : i’ll go

 

 **kim junmyeon** : perfect! can we all meet at 12:30?

 

 **yixing** : ye

 

 **nini** : ye

 

 **weasel** : ye

 

 **priest baekhyun** : ye

 

 **minseok ❀** : ye

 

 **send this man to church** : ye

 

 **xiubooty fanboy** : ye

 

 **kyungsoup** : i guess

 

 **weasel** : HYUNG YOU RUINED IT

 

 **kyungsoup** : does it look like i care

 

 **kim junmyeon** : see you all tomorrow!

 

 **send this man to church** : i hope youre all ready to get owned

 

 **priest baekhyun** : IM READY TO LASER SOME BITCHES

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i dont know ok i dont kno w
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> oh i changed my username again!! (idk why i make it svt related when my only fic is about exo but ???????)
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> ps- i start school next week so uh yeah ill probably be gone even longer between chapters ig hope yall had nice summers!


	12. announcement (NOT A CHAPTER)

this is an update to say that i'm probably going to delete this fic, or if i don't i'm not going to be updating it anymore

 

i don't really have a reason why but this had no plot in the first place and was purely out of boredom and curiosity about writing (since this was my first ff) and i don't really have any more motivation to continue with it

 

and also i read through it again and just found the entire thing really cringey and ooc (its a chatfic but still)

 

so if you enjoyed this fic until now, thank you and i'm really grateful for all the kudos and comments this fic received! 

 

if you want, check out my other writing if you liked this? bye and thank you all again!


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